I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm just crazy horny about you
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
