I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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