last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
