i just sent this text using only my big toe
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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