Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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