apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
