dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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