That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
where does the pee come out of this thing
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
