Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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