i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
