Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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