All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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