I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Did I show you my penis last night?
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I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
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the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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