Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
