I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So apparently I’m into choking now
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
