When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
