i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
