Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
