Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
