I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
