I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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