Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
