Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
