Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
