The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
