Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
