oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
