in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
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Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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