Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
