i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
