Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
All I want is dick and wine.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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