Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
