You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
