If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
