I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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