Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
