You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
