I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
