My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
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How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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