I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
