oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
