Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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