I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize