if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
