To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
