It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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