I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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