you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
NoShamevember. You game?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
