Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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