peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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