Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
