I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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