I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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