if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
