well you can't waste a boner
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
