Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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